Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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