I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
