Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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