Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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