Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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