Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Semen is not good for contacts.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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