the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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