If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
