Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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