god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
