I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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