thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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