I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
