So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
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All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
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No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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