Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
