Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
