just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
