Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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