She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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