You just made me feel so damn special
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
