I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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