Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
