But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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