god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
