perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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