The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
