I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
