He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
