I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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