i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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