I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
