i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
