you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
