Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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