I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We had to coat check the pizza.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
