He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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