Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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