Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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