so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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