that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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