you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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