You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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