wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
