I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.