So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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