Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
