I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
