Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
