If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
