Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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