On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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