she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
