You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
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I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
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You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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