Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
