i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
