I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We are all done wearing pants today
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
its liver damage thursday
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