So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
