btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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