Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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