This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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