I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I need to calm my uterus...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
